It feels good to feel small and insignificant some times

It feels good to be small

In the history of my 37 years of living, there are two occasions of which I feel extremely small and insignificant. Once in 2003 when I embarked on my Java Black Belt (a.k.a JBB) programme sponsored by iDA and NUS representing Singapore and NUS as one of the elite Java developer to US. Once last weekend during my ICIS 2010 conference, a rank 1 conference in my field of study. You may wonder why would anyone blog about being special one moment and another being small and insignificant here. The truth is the two need not be mutually exclusive. You can be special, small and insignificant at the same time.

When I embarked on my JBB programme in 2003, I was a developer with a lot of pride. That pride made me proud and arrogant. I remembered vividly before I went for the programme, I was still arguing with my project manager why my programming structure was the best solution to their existing problems. I was full of myself. When I arrived at Sun Microsystems headquarter in Menlo Park, I suddenly realized I am nothing but a frog in a wall. The developer whom I had the privilege to meet invented SSH! Who am I as compared to them? I felt small and insignificant. It is the kind of feeling that you get when you arrive at the foot of Mount Everest and realize how small Mount Faber is. That experiences made me humble.

More than 5 year later, I arrived at St Louis, USA for my first ICIS conference participation as a PhD candidate. Before I embarked on this trip, my heart was filled with pride for being able to accomplish something in my research despite my busy work schedule. I thought highly of my achievement of being able to get my paper into a top rank conference in my field of study. As the days unfold and given the precious opportunity to follow my supervisor around meeting people, I suddenly realized how small and insignificant my current PhD achievement is. The amount of disciplined focus that my supervisor has is so intense that it puts mine to shame. As a matter of fact, even my junior has more focus on this PhD journey than me.

Fortunately, I am not those who will feel discourage easily when I feel small and insignificant about myself. On the contrary, I often feel excited and energized (not difficult to understand why if you have read my earlier posting on this ‘weird’ character of mine). My constant urge to do well in everything (which is both a curse and a blessing) takes over. I realize that a person’s life achievement requires an enormous amount of focus and determination. I realize that there is a long journey to endure to become good at my PhD work. I realize of how important it is to learn to be humble and to be open to everything especially new things and experiences that I will encounter in life.

It feels good to feel small and insignificant some times. It feels good to be reminded to be humble and open. It feels good to take another closer look at my life and learn to invest more at what matters.

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